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Aviation Humor
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| Please e-mail you favorite humorous aviation story or joke for
inclusion on this page. Click HERE
to send your story. |
Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death
...I Shall Fear No Evil ... For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing.
(sign over the entrance to the SR-71 operating location Kadena, Japan).
You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3.
(Paul F. Crickmore -test pilot)
From an old carrier sailor - Blue water Navy truism;
There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky.
If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage,
it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe.
Navy carrier pilots to Air Force pilots: Flaring is
like squatting to pee.
When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you
always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.
Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another
expensive flying club.
What is the similarity between air traffic controllers
and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, the
pilot dies.
Never trade luck for skill.
The three most common expressions (or famous last
words) in aviation are: "Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" and "Oh
S#!+!"
Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers.
Progress in airline flying; now a flight attendant can
get a pilot pregnant.
Airspeed, altitude, and brains. Two are always needed
to successfully complete the flight.
A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all
luck; three in a row is prevarication.
I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous.
Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never
left one up there!
Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a
flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries.
Flying the airplane is more important than radioing
your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing
anything about it.
When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something
was forgotten.
Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your
funeral will be held on a sunny day.
Advice given to RAF pilots during W. W. II. When a
prang (crash) seems inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest
object in the vicinity as slowly and gently as possible.
The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it
can just barely kill you.
(Attributed to Max Stanley, Northrop test pilot)
A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't
flying his plane to its maximum.
(Jon McBride, astronaut)
If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing
as far into the crash as possible.
(Bob Hoover - renowned aerobatic and test pilot)
If an airplane is still in one piece, don't cheat on
it; ride the bastard down.
(Ernest K. Gann, author &aviator)
Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than
you.
There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in
peacetime.
(Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970).
The three best things in life are a good landing, a
good orgasm, and, a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of
the few opportunities in life where you get to experience all three at the
same time.
(Author unknown, but someone who's been there)
"Now I know what a dog feels like watching TV."
(A DC-9 captain trainee attempting to check out on the 'glass cockpit' of an
A-320).
If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's
about to.
Basic Flying Rules Try to stay in the middle of the
air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized
by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space.
It is much more difficult to fly there.
You know that your landing gear is up and locked when
it takes full power to taxi to the terminal. |
During taxi, the crew of a US Air departure
flight to Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a
United 727. The irate ground controller (a woman) lashed out at the US Air
crew screaming "US Air 2771, where are you going? I told you to turn
right on "Charlie" taxi way; you turned right on
"Delta!" Stop right there. God, you've screwed everything up --
it'll take forever to sort this out. You stay right there and don't move until I tell you to. You can expect progressive taxi
instructions in about a half hour and I want you to go exactly where I
tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you. You got that, US Air
2771??"
The humbled crew responded: "Yes Ma'am." The ground control
frequency went terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air Flight
2771. No one wanted to engage the irate controller in her current state.
Tension in every cockpit at LGA was running high. But soon, an unknown
male pilot broke the hush to ask, "Wasn't I
married to you once?" |
O'Hare Approach Control: "United
329 Heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, 3
miles, eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've
got that Fokker in sight." |
| A DC-10 had an exceedingly long roll out
after landing with his approach speed just a little too high. San Jose
Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn right at the end, if able. If not
able, take the Guadeloupe exit off of Highway 101, make a right at the
light, and return to the airport." |
| The controller who was working a busy
pattern told a 727 on downwind to make a three-sixty
(do a complete circle, usually to provide spacing between aircraft). The
pilot of the 727 complained, "Do you know it costs us two thousand
dollars to make a three-sixty in this airplane?" Without missing a
beat the controller replied, "Roger, give me four thousand dollars
worth! |
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for
takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7."
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure ...
by the way, after we lifted off, we saw some kind of
dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact
Departure on 124.7; did you copy the report from Eastern?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger;
and yes, we copied Eastern, and we've already notified our caterers." |
Aviation Axioms
Speed is life, altitude is life insurance.
No one has ever collided with the sky.
A "GOOD" landing is one from which you can walk away. A
"GREAT" landing is one after which you can use the airplane
again
It only takes two things to fly, airspeed and money.
If it's ugly, it's British; if it's weird, it's French; and if it's
ugly and weird, it's Russian.
I give that landing a nine . . . on the Richtor scale.
Pilots are just plane people with a special air about them. |
Basic Flying Rules
1. Try to stay in the middle of the air.
2. Do not go near the edges of it.
3. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground,
buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to
fly there. |
| Unknown landing signal officer to carrier
pilot after his sixth unsuccessful landing: "You've got to land here,
son. This is where the food is." |
Air Force Maintenance Complaints
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force
pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.
Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs
replacement."
Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."
Problem: "Test flight OK, except auto land very
rough."
Solution: "Auto land not installed on this aircraft."
Problem #1: "#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid."
Solution #1: "#2 Propeller seepage normal."
Problem #2: "#1, #3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage."
Problem: "The autopilot doesn't."
Signed off: "IT DOES NOW."
Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."
Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing
gear."
Solution: "Evidence removed."
Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."
Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield."
Solution: "Live bugs on order."
Problem: "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200
fpm descent."
Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground."
Problem: "IFF inoperative."
Solution: "IFF inoperative in OFF mode."
Problem: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to
stick."
Solution: "That's what they're there for."
Problem: "Number three engine missing."
Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief
search."
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Forwarded by an admiral who was the commander of the Blue Angels:
It only takes five years to go from rumor to standard operating
procedure.
Landing on the ship during the daytime is like sex. It's either good or
it's great.
Landing on the ship at night is like a trip to the dentist. You may get
away with no pain, but you just don't feel comfortable.
A checkride ought to be like a skirt; short enough to be interesting
but still long enough to cover everything.
The difference between a duck and a co-pilot? The duck can fly.
It's better to break ground and head into the wind than to break wind
and head into the ground.
If it doesn't work, rename it. If that doesn't help, the new name isn't
long enough.
Please don't tell Mom I'm a pilot. She thinks I play piano in a
whorehouse.
New FAA motto: We're not happy, till you're not happy. |
Airline Attendants
All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight
"safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more
entertaining.
Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
(they saved the best for last so read them all!!)
*****
On a Continental Flight with a very "senior"
flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and
gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be
turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort
and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
******
On landing the stewardess said, "Please be sure to
take all your belongings. If you're going to leave anything,
please make sure it's something we'd like to have."
*****
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover,
but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."
******
"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We
hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as
we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
******
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at
Washington National, a lone voice came over the
loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
******
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms
in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight
announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead
compartments because, after a landing like that,
sure as hell everything has shifted."
******
"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure,
masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming,
grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have
a small child traveling with you, secure your mask
before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with
more than one small child ... pick your favorite."
******
"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some
broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before
we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you,
or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
******
And from the pilot during his welcome message:
"Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best
flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately,
none of them are on this flight!"
******
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard
landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came
on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and
I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you
it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's
fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault...it
was the asphalt!"
******
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than
perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated
as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
******
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement:
"We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today.
And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting
through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope
you'll think of US Airways."
******
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After
it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain
made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and
gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome
to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los
Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore,
we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now,
sit back and relax - OH, MY GOD!"
Silence followed and after a few minutes, the
captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies
and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier; but,
while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me
a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap.
You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of
mine!" |
WHY DON'T BIG PLANES HAVE LITTLE PLANES?
A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines. The son (who had
been looking out the window) turned to his mother and said, "If big
dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have
baby planes? "
The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the
Flight attendant. So the boy walked down the aisle and asked the flight
attendant, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats,
why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The attendant asked the young man, "Did your mother tell you to
ask me?"? He said that she had. The flight attendant knelt down and
whispered in the little boy's ear, "Tell your mother that it's
because Southwest always pulls out on time." |
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